Who with a What?

I had never seen it used as a weapon before, but when he tried to attack me with a stir stick, I couldn’t help but laugh. I wasn’t going to let him take the treasure from me—I needed it to save a life.

It was the summer of 2016 and my wife, Melanie, needed a dirty chai tea latte or she was “going to die.”  I couldn’t be sure how things got so serious, but since she wasn’t one for hyperbole I was certain her life depended on me securing this caffeinated treasure.

I rushed valiantly from our apartment, armed only with my sharp mind and piercing words.  Also, I had ten dollars.  Sprinting out of the front door I ran miles, not settling for Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts; I headed for the best coffee joint in all of Chicago; a little American bistro named EmCee Donawlds (spelled McDonalds).

I made it in a matter of minutes, or hours – I couldn’t be certain as I passed out from anxiety half way there and in my fleeting tizzy I forgot to adorn a watch.

“One DIRTY chai tea latte please” I said, kindly.

“That will be two dollars she said.  You’re very lucky, we only have enough syrup for one more!”

I handed her my ten dollar bill, and began to breathe sighs of relief.  I had done it.  I had procured the treasure necessary to save my wife’s life.  And that’s when I noticed him.  His menacing glare was burning a hole in the back of my head.  His fiery breath scorching my neck.

As the employee handed me my beverage, I thanked her with ‘merci’ (I’ve been learning French) and a tip of the cap while simultaneously making a beeline for the door.  However, the menacing man gave chase, and it wasn’t long before he had caught up with me.  His fists clenched, he screams;

“GIVE ME THAT LATTE, NOW!”

I ignored him, and began sprinting for my home as if my wife’s life depended on it.

“YOU ASKED FOR IT!” – I heard as the man did some straight Jackie Chan moves, flinging himself from behind me via a tree ten feet in the air, landing right in front of me on one knee with one hand bracing him as he landed.  It was then that I saw it.

I had never seen it used as a weapon before, but when he tried to attack me with a stir stick, I couldn’t help but laugh. I wasn’t going to let him take the treasure from me—I needed it to save a life.

Unfortunately, he moved at a speed which can only be described as “pretty quick.”   He poked me with the stir stick so hard that I was mildly irritated, causing my grip to loosen ever so slightly.  He stole the latte from out of my hands and I was left defeated as he galloped away on his horse named victory.

Head hanging and sulking I made my way to the local coffee shop where I knew I would pay eight dollars for a latte for quality far below that of EmCee Donawlds.  Defeated I walked up to the counter and said

“One chai tea latte please.”

Without so much as a “mhm,”  he ‘crafted’ me a chai tea latte in no less than two hours and I handed him the rest of my cash and ran back to my wife.

Sweating profusely, I flung open the door to find my wife barely holding on.  She was on the floor crawling towards the PS4 remote in order to inform Netflix that yes, she was still watching NCIS.

“One Chai tea latte, just for you” and with a kiss I handed it off.

After one sip, she glanced up at me over the lid of the cup pressed against her mouth and said

“This isn’t dirty…”

And that’s when she pulled out the stir stick…..


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