Gyro Dreams of Vinyl

To the Parents of Gyro Anderson,

We’d like to inform you of your son’s grades and extra-curricular involvements this semester at Patchouli-Hemp Intermediary School House.  Gyro has had an eventful year thus far!  Apart from leading our only sports team (Pistol Dueling) to the state championship, he has also maintained his position as president of our 8-Track Club.  You should be very proud of his efforts to bring the Silent Film Festival to our school; if he lands this festival it will be the first Silent Film Festival to be held on our campus in our schools history!  We’re very thrilled to have had Gyro here for his first semester and we look forward to three and a half more years of growing in apathy and disdain for all things popular or innovative.

Below is a list of your son’s classes and his corresponding grades.

Course Grade
Mustache 211: Product and Upkeep Meh
Aggressive Riding of Old-Timey Bicycles Meh
Irony 101 Meh
Underappreciated Musician Appreciation Agreeable
Advanced Crafting 490: Making Macramé Belts from Typewriter Ribbon                             Woodstock


Upcoming Events at P.H.I.S.H

May 30th – Coffee Roasting Class

June 2nd – Craft Beer Brew-Off

June 10th – Seminar: How to Bring a Little Bit of Portland to Your Town

June 17th – NPR Club

June 24th – Start Your Own Food Truck Workshop


A Note from the Principal:

There have been some rumors floating around regarding the campus lock down that took place last week.  The rumors, sadly, are true; we did confiscate a Bud Lite and an Imagine Dragons CD from one of our students.  The student was caught before entering the school and was escorted off the premises immediately.  Rest assured that the proper steps have been taken to keep your children safe and discipline the student at fault.  The student was suspended for one week and forced to retake our schools expectations course.  The student has also been given a case of PBR tall-boys and a Trampled by Turtles cassette to re-pattern his interests.  Thank you for your concern; it is always nice to know that we have a community that cares about the well being of our youth.


Stan Francisco – Patchouli-Hemp Intermediary School House Principal


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