Grass Roots – One Star

A Yelpian Masterpiece

Bonjour, fellow foodies! Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve heard of Grass Roots; the new, farm to table restaurant in downtown Cocinero.  This place has been getting rave reviews; from Michelin star chefs to world renowned food critics, everyone is praising Chef Chushi Capocuoco and his superfluous blend of Chinese and Italian flavors.  However, there is one man brave enough to write an honest, and incising review of this “masterpiece of modern cuisine.”  One man who will stand up loudly and proudly and say to his 22 followers on his certified yelp account: “What a disaster!”  That man, is me.  Yelp user and food aficionado, BitterSingleandReadyToPringle88.

Like any good certified Yelper, I’m going to present my complaints in the form of two, short, mildly ambiguous points; only veering off course for the occasional, oddly disjunctive ad hominem attack.

  1. The Décor

If you’re going to open a farm to table restaurant, you damn well better bring the farm to the table.  However, this place looks like it’s fresh out of the year 3000.   With its sleek, metallic tables and mirrored walls, clean washrooms and the smell of fragrant lavender (no doubt essential oils diffusion was in play here) I felt like I was anywhere but the farm!  If this Chef was any less in touch with his customer base he’d be Coldplay.

  1. The Menu

Chef Chushi’s menu leaves more than a lot to be desired.  With main courses like Catalina Kung Pao and appetizers like Moo Shu Olives, you leave feeling assaulted and confused; not comforted and well fed.  These dishes make me sick by just reading their menu descriptions.  I didn’t even have to eat here to know just how terrible this food is.  Seriously.  I haven’t actually eaten here, but I know my flavors (at least the ones I like) and have over 5000 certified reviews on Yelp.  I don’t need to eat at a restaurant to know its value or to be able to offer critical insights into how it is designed or how its food is prepared.

With all this in mind, Groupon did have a 30% of a 200-300$ purchase so if I did want “enjoy” this new fad restaurant I’d be doing it on the cheap.   They also appear to  make their recipes and meals available via subscription box, so for that, I give Grass Roots one star.

Take it from me, you don’t want to visit this restaurant.  I know I haven’t, and I’m never going back.


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